a conversation with self

14.79 miles . . .

20 minute warm-up

6 X strides with full recover

5 X 4:00 at :38's 200m with 3 minutes recovery

20 minute cool down

i knew that today was going to be a hard day when i first started the warm up. i slept hard last night. as usual not enough sleep and recovering from the weekend's lack of sleep. i had a marathon dream where i was trying to qualify, i was doing pretty well at the half. and then i had to stop running. there was a section of the race where you had to wait for a shuttle to take you somewhere else and i had just missed one. i stood and waited and waited, watching the seconds go by on my clock.

in the very first strides this morning, my legs felt sore and heavy everywhere, specifically tight in my hip flexors. it was a challenge to hang at my easy pace. a thin layer of frost clung to the cinder trail on the south side of the park.

the sprints felt sloppy and slow, though i did hit good times. i just felt heavy and clumsy and awkward. like i hadn't really entered the zone.

i stalled more than usual at the start of my first 4 minute interval. i have this idea that once i start a particular section of my work out, i do not stop. in between the different sections is my time to focus and prepare for the effort. i'll usually just stop running for about 10-15 seconds. i think this one was more like 30 seconds. and then i started.

even the first one was hard and they only got harder. by the time i hit the third one, i was doing my little hurt cry followed by the gasp of air that i do after really hard efforts. then i close my eyes during the straights of the track. usually this is reserved for the last one or two. the fourth on i had to focus really hard and push even harder. at one point i was a second off and it took all i was worth to shave it back off. i remember trying to push hard and feeling like i wasn't going any faster.

and then came the last one.

in those three minutes of recover before the fifth one, i had a conversation with myself. but that was only for the last minute. for the first two minutes i let my mind float far away from the track, far away from the pain. i tried to find little moments of happiness to live in, to comfort me. and the place i went was to my family. i went to my wife and the love we share, the times that we've had. and i went to my kids. little tiny flashes of pure joy that only my family can bring. and now with only a minute left i had to focus again. and just as i was about to enter the zone, my psyche fractured into two distinct personalities.

-it's going to hurt.

-but it's only pain.

-only pain?

-four minutes. what's four minutes? if you can't do this for four minutes what makes you think that you can hold your pace for 2 hours and 19 minutes?

-but what if i fail?

-don't worry about that. just think of the first 200m.

-but what if i stop after that?

-who cares? at least you did that much.

-but what if it's slower than the others?

-then at least you did it?

-but what if i fail?

-being out here, on this day, on this morning, doing this run is already success. now it's time. it's only pain.

and the good news, the encouraging thing, the victory, the fact that i finished. maybe not strong. but i finished. that last one was slower than the rest. but let me say it again. i finished. on this day, tired, torn, beaten up physically and mentally from the long week, i persevered. and that is important. the average from these repeats is 4:03:35. this puts me at a mere 95 hundredths of a second slower than last week.

i consider it success.